Right Now: Invite Someone Over For Dinner.
You Can’t Tell Me When Your Last Meal Will Be
I ran into an old acquaintance the other day while having lunch with my brother. I was busy wrangling my toddler Vivian and gathering all of my baby gear when he walked past, stopped and called out. It’d been a long time, and me being practically face blind, I didn’t recognize him until he started talking.
“Hey man! How’s it going?” We exchanged pleasantries and I asked him how his business was going. “Oh, I closed down. I don’t know if you heard, but I lost my son like four months ago. Car accident down in California.” I was stunned. I didn’t know he had a son, but standing there clutching my own child, I was gripped with the absolute all encompassing fear of losing my kid. It’s a tragedy I don’t think I could survive. My heart sank, I gave him a hug and a few awkward condolences, and went on my way. Once in the car, my little Vivian safely strapped in, I sobbed deeply for his loss. Unimaginable.
Not even four days later, I’m serving a private party at Astera for a happy and intimate wedding reception. The parents of the groom sat and chatted at the chef’s counter while we sent out plate after plate to the guests. They were incredibly lovely people, but you could feel a hesitation to their celebration. I mentioned I had just lost my grandmother and that it meant a lot to me that I got a needlepoint from her that her mother had made in the late 1800s. I showed them a picture of it on my phone, then read it aloud to them.
“I shall not pass through this world but once. Any good that I can do or any kindness that I can show to any human being, let me do it now. Let me not defer or neglect it for I shall not pass this way again.”
The mother welled up, overwhelmed with emotion. The two looked back and forth before agreeing they would tell me: this was a happy day but also a sad one, as ten years to the date they lost their daughter. She held up a picture of her.
Soon, we were crying and hugging in the dining room. “I wasn’t sure if she was going to show up today until you read that. Now I know she’s here.” Again, unimaginable. I was floored.
In both cases, I am in awe of the strength and resilience of these people to continue on living. I dare say I don’t know if I could continue if I lost my little Viv.
Before my Nana left across the rainbow bridge a couple of weeks back, she asked for two things specifically: beer and ice cream. Both of these things are very good and should be consumed often, within reason. I can understand how Nana would want beer and ice cream on her death bed, and lucky for us we had a chance to have a sort of last meal together, knowing she was going to pass soon. But for those other folks, the loss was sudden and unexpected.
I am not saying anything new or anything revolutionary. I am just trying to remind everyone that you just don’t always know when you will lose someone in your life. You can lose them to death, to the end of friendship, to a move, to shifting priorities…there’s a lot of ways that you will have your last meal with a friend or family member.
My Last Dinner With Mi ABuelo (my grandpa)
I never made the time to go visit my grandpa Casañas. My abuela, Lina, had passed, and grandpa was living with my mother. He was starting to have some strange behaviors and it was clear to us he was starting to suffer with dementia.
Still, I was busy. I had a busy restaurant and a busy life and I just didn’t have the time to go out to Florida. At one point my mother insisted I come out to see them, as he wasn’t long for this earth. I wanted my mom and him to meet my new wife, Jenny, as well.
When I got out there, he had zero memory of me. He had no idea of my name, that I existed, or what I was doing there. I was heartbroken, but determined to somehow magically get him to have a moment of clarity with me.
What if I made an amazing, nostalgic meal? If I made a Cuban meal, and it was good enough and authentic enough, that he would be flooded with memories and then remember who I was. I believed in the healing effects of storytelling, in the importance of food history and culture, and the power of love.
I made frijoles negros, arroz, tostones, picadillo (vegano), insalada de aguacate, yucca frita con mojo, and other Cuban classics that we enjoyed together when I was a kid. I put on some Buena Vista Social Club, and then sat and asked him questions about growing up in Cuba, his Cuban art and literature collection, about grandma, about mama, living in Miami, and anything else I could ask to trigger some memories. He seemed happy to eat his food and talk to me about his life. At one point, he looked over to my mother, leaned over and whispered, “¿Quienes son estos personas?” (“Who are these people?)
I was devastated. Apparently this wasn’t a Disney movie and the power of a loving meal hadn’t brought him back. I waited too long. Regret.
Ramiro Casañas. Grandpa. ❤️
I Am An Emotional Wreck These Days
If I sound like I am an emotional wreck these days, it’s because I am. Fatherhood has softened me a great deal, and I find myself sobbing at the drop of a hat. The world seems incredibly cruel and overwhelming at times, and I am always on defense, trying to make sure my Vivian is safe and happy.
I am also full of regret right now. Before my Nana passed, a month or so back, she asked if she could come eat at Astera. I told her yes, but I was lying, I knew she wouldn’t be coming. There were a lot of personal and medical reasons that she was dealing with that would’ve made dinner for her at Astera very uncomfortable, and for everyone else in the dining room. I hadn’t taken her out for a meal since the time we had a pretty bad incident with her. I made myself believe I was going to make her a meal soon at her home or invite her over to my home, but life always got in the way, and I definitely “deferred and neglected.” Then she took a turn for the worse, and soon enough she was gone. On her last day on earth, her entire immediate family sat at a table at a restaurant and ate together while she slept back at the care home. It felt a little bit like a betrayal to me.
I don’t want to have those regrets again.
Nana knew how to party
Eating Out Is Nice, But Making Someone A Meal Is Nicer
Ok. So, I’ve convinced you that time is of the essence, stop dilly dallying and you should immediately have a meal with friends. Now, how to do it? Some of you are seasoned pros at the dinner party, but some aren’t, so I’m typing up some pointers.
I would love to tell you that we at the restaurant can make a meal as wonderful and meaningful as you, but I don’t think that’s true. Yes, we’re pretty darn good at cooking and service, but the care and intimacy that can be demonstrated by a friend is miles above what any restaurant can offer. If you just don’t have time or the tools to make a nice dinner, though, then by all means take a friend out.
I made this list for folks who are absolutely clueless about how to put together a dinner party, so please don’t get offended if it seems obvious. It’s not obvious to everyone!
Make Invites
Use your instagram account’s Story feature and design a silly invite for your friend really quickly. Add the pertinent info like the date and time, an RSVP, and your address. See a fake invite I made below. Making the invite makes the whole affair a little nicer. It’s not necessary, but it’s sweet.
Find Out About Allergies and Aversions
Ask your guests what the like or don’t like or what might kill them. Don’t make those things.
Get Your House Cleaned Up
Especially your bathroom! Get that room smelling and looking perfect as possible!
Set Your Table
It’s cool if you have nice plates and glasses, but a mixed match thrift store set with mason jars is charming as heck! Try setting candles if you can safely.
Make A Playlist
Try to include songs your guests will like. Keep it mellow and keep the volume at a level that conversation is easy to have.
Have Snacks Ready To Go!
People don’t arrive on time. The start time should be a grace period of like at least thirty minutes before dinner starts. If you have a few people coming, put out some chips and dip or equivalent and let people mingle for a bit before calling them to the table.
Offer A Guest A Drink Within 15 Seconds of Arrival
Know your audience, too. Are you serving wine or beer? Non-alcoholic? Do your guests drink alcohol.
Always Have Water On The Table
In addition to their wine, beer, kombucha etc make sure to have water glasses and water at the ready.
Figure Out Your Serving Style
Buffet? Shared plates at the table? Plated food? Figure out your style beforehand and set your table accordingly.
Napkins and Flowers
Don’t forget the napkins! Even paper ones are great. And if you can, have fresh flowers or plants out. Make an inviting space.
Get Yourself Spruced Up
Make sure you look clean and neat. It shows respect to your guests.
Story Telling As Seasoning
There is no better seasoning then a good story. Making food that is nostalgic, cultural, or somehow meaningful to you is a great way to tell a story about it. Your grandma’s empanadas! A noodle dish you tried in Thailand! Your mother’s famous curry! Tie some story telling into the food you serve and it will taste even better, guaranteed.
Never, Ever Ask for Money
This one will feel hard for some folks. You’re not having a popup, you’re treating your friends. If you can’t afford to buy everyone’s food and wine, ask them to do a pot luck or to BYOB.
If you have any tough questions about getting a party together, ask in the comments below, and I’ll get to them.
A silly invite I made on Instagram Stories that I saved into my Camera Roll.
